One day Cowboy Bob, Gordon, Jimby and Jumby, and Old Man Young were sitting in The Bar drinking piss warm beer, when a Chinaman walked in.
“A Chinaman just walked in,” said Cowboy Bob.
Gordon, who was busy drinking from the pitcher Arnold Schwarzenegger, the bartender, wrung his dirty rag into after he cleaned up a bunch of spilled beer, stood up.
“Who the hell are you?” Gordon said to the Chinaman.
“My name is Pat,” said the Chinaman. “Pat Yourass.”
Pat Yourass sat down at the bar.
“You want something to drink, Pat?” said Arnold Scwarzenegger.
“No,” said Pat Yourass. Pat Yourass pulled a package of cookies out of his pocket and commenced to eat them.
“You have to buy something to eat or drink, or you can’t sit there,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“Shut up, fucker,” said Pat Yourass. Pat Yourass punched Arnold Schwarzenegger in the jaw.
“All right, Pat Yourass,” said Cowboy Bob. “We don’t put up with no shit from no Chinaman here at The Bar.”
“I don’t give a shit,” said Pat Yourass. Pat Yourass karate-kicked Cowboy Bob in the face. Cowboy Bob fell onto the table and knocked everybody’s beer over.
“You fudgepacker!” Gordon bellowed. He dropped to one knee in front of all the spilled beer and commenced to sob. “Why? Why oh why oh why would you do such a thing to such a lowly sort as I? Was I not a lowly enough man when you, o slant-eyed, vile-hearted bane of mine existence, wandered into The Bar in search of nothing more than a place to eat your cookies? Oh, good gravy, I now reside in the very abyss of human misery! You, Pat Yourass, are a cuntlicker!”
Pat Yourass karate kicked Gordon in the face, too.
“That’s it!” Jimby said. He jumped up from his chair and pulled out his gun. “No more karate kicking people in The Bar, you cookie-eating craplord!”
“Yeah,” said Jumby.
Jimby shot Pat Yourass in the gut. Pat Yourass commenced to belch and cough and vomit up mouthfuls of blood and spit it all over the place. Jumby shot him in the head and his brains splattered all over the floor. Pat Yourass died. Gordon vomited on him.
Just then, another Chinaman walked in.
“Another Chinaman just walked in,” said Cowboy Bob.
“Get the fuck outta here, ya dumb chink!” Gordon bellowed.
“Don’t call me a dumb chink,” said the dumb chink. “My name is Adam. Adam Lo Ai Kiu.”
“Well get the hell outta here before we shoot the shit outta you,” said Jimby.
“Yeah,” said Jumby.
“You just killed Pat, the wonder boy,” said Adam Lo Ai Kiu.
“I don’t give a shit,” said Jimby. “We don’t take kindly to Chinaman ‘round these parts.”
“Yeah,” said Jumby.
Adam Lo Ai Kiu karate kicked Jimby in the balls. Adam Lo Ai Kiu karate kicked Jimby in the head. Adam Lo Ai Kiu karate kicked Cowboy Bob in the ass. Adam Lo Ai Kiu karate kicked Cowboy Bob in the ass again. Adam Lo Ai Kiu karate kicked Gordon in the knee. Adam Lo Ai Kiu karate kicked Jumby in the throat. Old Man Young shot Adam Lo Ai Kiu in the chest.
“AAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHAAAAAAAROOOOOOOO!” said Adam Lo Ai Kiu. All of a sudden blood commenced to soak through his shirt and he laid on the ground, spasming and jittering and twitching and begging for someone to go get Dr. Zaius.
“Dr. Zaius can’t help you, ya dumb chink,” said Cowboy Bob. “He’s a doctor, not a veterinarian.” Cowboy Bob stomped on Adam Lo Ai Kiu’s hand. Adam Lo Ai Kiu went on jittering and writhing in agony.
They set the table back up and found about a billion dollars in Adam Lo Ai Kiu’s wallet and bought a shitload of beer and sat around drinking it while Adam Lo Ai Kiu gurgled in the extremity of his agony and fading consciousness, rolling in the dirty, shitty, dusty floor residue and calling for his mama and gagging as he choked on his own blood. They all had a good time and got drunk while the Chinaman died on the floor. Then Sherriff Popooly walked in.
“Sherriff Popooly just walked in,” said Cowboy Bob.
Sherriff Popooly took Adam Lo Ai Kiu’s body and Pat Yourass’s body and took them to the dump, in a pile of dead rats and stray dogs and used bedpans and Bibles. Then he gave Cowboy Bob, Old Man Young, Gordon, and Jimby and Jumby medals for shooting Chinamen and ridding the town of such odious vermin.
They all stood on a big platform in front of the whole town while Mayor McCheese and Sherriff Popooly gave them each medals. Mayor McCheese accidentally poked Cowboy Bob in the tit with his medal. Cowboy Bob shrieked like a dumb bitch getting a bedpost rammed up her box.
“Don’t make Cowboy Bob shriek like a dumb bitch getting a bedpost rammed up her box!” said Mayor McCheese. Mayor McCheese kicked Sheriff Popooly in the balls. Sherriff Popooly fell off the platform and broke his back. Gordon vomited on him.