Category Archives: Short Stories

Please Don’t Let the Dog Chew Me

Once upon a time there was this fat sack of shit. The fat sack of shit was about thirty years old, but he had never even seen a naked woman, and he was so pathetic he was even too shy to go to a titty bar or a whorehouse or something, so he sat around his house eating ho-hos and jerking off and crying himself to sleep every night. He couldn’t stop eating ho-hos and he died, and he was so fat they couldn’t fit him in a coffin so they buried him in a refrigerator box. There is no god. THE END

Creedence Clearwater Retarded

Once there was this chick named Mildred Rump or somesuch, not that anyone cared. She was really hot and nice and smily and cute and she could have had her pick of all the dudes in her little Norman Rockwell hometown, which is like saying she could have chosen any brand of vanilla ice cream in the world.

Anyway, out of all those dudes in her hometown, she picked this clown named Arlen Gork who was a stupid asshole who wasn’t even good-looking and he treated her like dogshit and fucked other girls and screamed at her and beat the piss out of her and couldn’t hold down a job and she actually loved him.

Mildred loved Arlen Gork so much that she let him go on ruining her life right up until she was old and wrinkled and ugly, and then she got Alzheimer’s disease and Arlen Gork put her in a nursing home and she sat there pissing in her pants and talking to the TV set and singing along with the muzak on the weather channel and Arlen Gork didn’t even come and visit her and he found some other old lady who would cook for him and put up with all his bullshit and they went on living off Mildred Rump’s retirement. Then one day Mildred Rump drowned in a bowl of oatmeal. There is no god. THE END

Look At The Monkey!

One time this dude who was totally worthless got fired from his job on account of he punched the piss out of his boss because his boss bitched at him one day when he showed up a half hour late smelling like beer and cigarettes. The worthless dude spent the last of the money he had on more beer and cigarettes and he didn’t have enough money to pay the rent so he started selling all his shit at the pawn shop but he spent that money on beer and cigarettes too and he couldn’t pay his rent and he got evicted and he had to go live with his brother.

Now his brother was worthless and unemployed too and he lived in a trailer and they both sat around all day and drank shitty beer and smoked generic cigarettes and watched TV. One night they both got drunk and they got in an argument over what dumbass TV show to watch, and they argued so long both shows they wanted to watch were over anyway, but one of the worthless brothers grabbed a shovel and conked the other worthless brother over the head with it and he croaked and the one worthless living brother threw his worthless dead brother’s body in the sewer and it floated away with the turds.

They never even found the body and the worthless brother went on drinking beer and smoking cigarettes and watching TV in the trailer and didn’t even go to jail because nobody even noticed that his dumbass worthless dead brother was gone and one day the worthless brother went to the store to get a pack of generic cigarettes and he bought a lottery ticket and he won a shitload of money and now he lives in this real nice house and fucks all sorts of women and drinks beer and smokes cigarettes and snorts cocaine all day long and he doesn’t even have any health problems. There is no god. THE END

The Delicate Art of Gargling

One day this Old Man who served one too many tours in Vietnam and lived in this shitty shack in the junkyard was cooking stew, and his toupee fell off his head into the stew. It was pretty gross, because he also used his toupee to scrub down the old abandoned dumpster, where he slept when it rained on account of the shitty shack had all these holes in the roof. He went outside the shitty shack and got himself a stick and fished out the toupee and put it back on. It burnt his head. Then he went to throw the stick back outside, on account of it had bugs all over it, and out of the middle of his eye he saw this doorknob.

Now the old man who lived in the junkyard loved doorknobs, even though he didn’t have a door on account of a bull got loose from one of the farms down the road and it got into the dump and was chasin him around the dump and he ran back into the shitty shack and shut the door but the bull rammed into the door anyway and smashed it up but by then the old man had got to his shotgun and he shot the bull and it died but the kick on the old shotgun knocked the old man on his ass and he hurt his ass so bad he had to sleep face down for about a month.

The old man took the doorknob back inside and commenced to polish it with his ratty toupee, and he shined it up real good but then he remembered he didn’t have a door and he got pissed off and threw the doorknob into the crick. The UPS guy found it while he was delivering a stepladder and eight feet of rope to the old man and the UPS guy took the doorknob home and his wife was fucking some other guy when he walked in and he beat her to death with the doorknob. There is no god.

THE END

Bamboo Shoot Bingo

Once upon a time there was this heinous miserable bitch.  She was actually kind of smart in that she could read and do simple math and pay her bills on time and all that shit, but she didn’t know anything except shit other people told her and had no original ideas of her own.  She worked in an office cubicle for some big generic company with a dumbass name the corporate assholes thought sounded cool–something like Prognex or Protogen or Villasoft or Mechatron or some dumb bullshit that didn’t mean a goddamn thing.

Anyway, the heinous miserable bitch always did everything she was told and followed rules and worked real hard at everything she did and obeyed whoever she worked for no matter how stupid they were or how meaningless her job really was.  Every day, she showed up on time for work with her dumbass imitation leather briefcase and her hair pulled back so tight her eyes bulged out of her pale, sneering face.  All day long she sat there in her desk, dilligently doing absolutely nothing, shuffling papers around and shit so the corporate assholes could make more money for themselves, and she was actually proud of herself, and only compared herself to people who had less impressive jobs and made less money so she could feel better about herself, although she really didn’t.  Somewhere in her subconscious she knew she was just a moderately useful biological machine and held a meaningless midlevel position in a company that provided some obscure unnecessary service and exploited its workers, its customers, committed tax fraud and only served as a massive beurocratic stamping press so one or two corporate assholes at the top could make all kinds of money they were never even going to spend.

Whenever they held meetings at the massive meaningless corporation, the heinous miserable bitch sat and listened to every word and took notes and immediately absorbed whatever meaningless bullshit the guy in charge said.  Usually it was some dumbass meaningless acronym some dumbass corporate schmuck made up and thought it sounded cool.

“From now on,” the corporate asshole in charge would say, “We’re going to use the FOCUS system at work.”  And then he would explain how each letter stood for some dumbass meaningless thing they were supposed to incorporate into their behavior.  The heinous miserable bitch always sat and wrote all this stupid shit down and memorized it and hung it up in her cubicle, even though it didn’t mean a goddamn thing.

Anyway, the dude who worked in the cubicle next to the heinous miserable bitch really drove her up the wall because he didn’t give a shit about anything and he didn’t really do anything at his job except sit there and fuck around and bullshit with other people and everyone liked him and nobody gave him any shit about it.  But what pissed the heinous miserable bitch off the most was that the guy was always happy.

The heinous miserable bitch cared so much about all this trivial pointless shit that didn’t really have anything to do with her and was of no particular importance to anyone, and it was so important for her to follow all these meaningless traditional rules and work hard and save up money, not really because she wanted to, but because she thought she had to, so a guy who didn’t give a shit about anything and wasted all his money and fucked around all the time and was a thousand times happier than she would ever be really pissed her off, so she always bitched at the guy, even though she wasn’t even his boss.  She wasn’t really anyone’s boss, although she thought she was and her boss kind of let her think that because she did half the shit he was supposed to do.

One day the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything was sitting in his cubicle with his feet up on his desk fucking around, reading a magazine or something, and the heinous miserable bitch was real pissed off because her boyfriend finally got sick of her miserable emasculating behavior and moved out of their apartment, plus she was on the rag.  Anyway, the heinous miserable bitch stomped over to the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything and started bitching and screaming about how the guy didn’t do his job and how he was a loser and how he didn’t give a shit about anything, never realizing that the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything didn’t give a shit if he didn’t do his job and didn’t give a shit if he was a loser and didn’t give a shit that he didn’t give a shit about anything.

But he did give a shit about heinous miserable bitches screaming and bitching at him all the time.

So the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything said, “Don’t bitch at me, it’s not my fault you’re bleeding out of your crotch!”  And the heinous miserable bitch went red in the face and started screaming so loud everybody in the office stopped what they were doing, and the heinous  miserable bitch actually slapped the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything and the heinous miserable bitch got fired and she freaked out and went home and smashed a bunch of her stuff and screamed and cried and then she went out and got drunk and met some guy and took him home and fucked him and she got pregnant and had to go on welfare and now she’s a waitress at Denny’s and she’s still miserable and her kid’s a retard and she has a big fat ass and the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything met this really hot girl and quit his meaningless job and moved to San Diego.  There is no god.

THE END

The Dom Deluise Shoehorn Collection

One night this chick was walking home from work in the dark and a guy grabbed her and threw her in the back of a van and cut her face all up and took her back to his house and raped her with a bedpost and cut her up some more and she died and he went on fucking her with the bedpost anyway and then he cut her open and ripped out her guts and ate some of her guts and put the rest of her guts in mason jars and cut off her head and rolled it down the stairs into the basement like a bowling ball and put the rest of her body in a meat locker and then he went to bed and woke up the next morning and went back to his job as a kindergarten teacher. There is no god.

THE END

Jim Croce Made E-Z

There used to be this dude who thought he was really tough because he liked to get drunk and kick the shit out of people, but the truth was that he was just as big a pussy as anyone else, because the only people he would fight were people who were about half his size and didn’t want to fight anyone anyway, and usually when he fought them they were so drunk they could barely walk. Whenever some other dude showed up who was even close to his size, the dude who thought he was tough would start to kiss his ass, because he knew he’d better make friends out of anyone who could kick his ass, otherwise they would kick his ass because he was an asshole.

One day the dude who thought he was tough was hanging out in this bar and he started to pick a fight with this real little skinny guy, and the real little skinny guy had just got laid and wasn’t really in the mood to fight anybody, but the dude who thought he was tough just kept fucking with the little skinny guy and it turned out the little skinny guy really was tough and had been in all sorts of fights with all kinds of dudes who weren’t afraid of anybody and the little skinny guy jumped on the guy who thought he was tough and punched him about a thousand times before the dude who thought he was tough could even put down his beer. The little skinny guy beat the shit out of the dude who thought he was tough so bad that the dude who thought he was tough actually started to scream right in front of all these people at the bar who knew him, but they didn’t care because he was such an asshole that everyone hoped someday somebody would kick his ass and now that was finally happening and it was really funny.

By the time the little skinny dude was done kicking his ass, the dude who thought he was tough was crying and screaming and bleeding out of every hole in his head and nobody even helped him up off the ground. He got so embarrassed that he left the bar and went home and went up to the roof of his apartment building and jumped off and splattered all over the street because he realized nobody liked him and he was totally worthless and stupid and he couldn’t even go on thinking he was tough because he got his ass kicked by a little skinny stupid guy.

Anyway, the dude who thought he was tough splattered all over the street and some kind of gross green shit splattered everywhere and left this big stain in the alley behind the building and hobos used it as a spot to piss on and everybody was real happy he was dead and nobody came to his funeral, including his own mother, who was a bitch. There is no god.

THE END