I’ll tell you sons of bitches something, read my work, and you just might learn something about this sorry shitstain of a planet we’ve inherited.  Of course, if you’re afraid of the truth or too stupid to understand that I am a true genius, philosopher and prophet and the son of God, then you will go down to the Kingdom of Hades and the Devil will urinate boiling water in your face and pound his big red-hot bologna dick up your ass and ejaculate magma up your ass in front of your whole family.  I can make this happen because I am the Son of God, so do not disrespect me.  Read my ingenious work, meditate on it and live your life by it, or your soul will be forever damned, as I am coldhearted, merciless, and cruel and I, like my father, The Lord Yahweh, I enjoy sending people to eternal torture down in hell.

I also heard some of you want to kill me.  Well, go ahead, then, I don’t give a shit!  You think I’m afraid of you?  Cut my head off and throw it down in the sewer with the shit and piss!  Cut off all my appendages and throw them in the dump!  Boil me in oil!  Crucify me!  Stick one of those metal poles all the way up my ass until it comes out of my mouth, you goddamn coward!  I want to die and go to hell, where I belong!  I’ve spent all my years on the Earth being the greatest genius mankind has ever known, and none of you have learned a goodamn thing, so kill me, assbag!

But here is my Bio, as written by my esteemed colleague, F. Rapunzel Figga: Novelist, poet, playwright, journalist, essayist and philosopher Elwood Larf is one of the most legendary and elusive figures in world literature.  Larf was born in the United States, but fled the country in search of any place where the people were not so ignorant, arrogant, illiterate, selfish, greedy, neurotic, unscrupulous, illiterate, fat, naive, xenophobic, monolingual, heartless, and, worst of all, religious.  Too cowardly to commit suicide, Elwood Larf has been trying for years to taunt God into killing him, but God, being the same old sadistic prick he has been since day one (literally) lets him get away with it.  With nothing else to do, Larf now devotes most of his time to alcohol, masturbation, and writing.  He lives in Nuuk, Greenland with his ant farm.


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