Cowboy Bob’s Toothache

One day, Cowboy Bob woke up in a puddle of vomit under his favorite card table at The Bar with an exquisite throbbing sensation at the back of his filthy mouth.  His teeth had their usual morning coat of moss surrounding them, and, as he looked into the old mirror behind the bar at The Bar, he saw their yellow-brown crookedness was just as it had always been.

But one of them, far in the back, seemed to throb right along with his heartbeat.

“One of my teeth, far in the back, seems to throb right along with my heartbeat,” Cowboy Bob said to Gordon.

Gordon was snoring into a puddle of urine and spilled beer that may or may not have been his own.  His underwear were on his head.

“Bbbbblort,” said Gordon.

“You want your dirty underwear on your head?” Cowboy Bob said.

“Bbbbblort,” said Gordon.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, the bartender, had long since gone home and left Gordon and Cowboy Bob to sleep in squalor on the floor.

“Arnold Scwarzenegger, the bartender, has long since gone home and left us to sleep in squalor on the floor,” said Cowboy Bob.

“Bbbbblort,” said Gordon.

“Wake up, cunthole,” said Cowboy Bob.  Cowboy Bob commenced to kick Gordon in the ass.

After about an hour and a half, Gordon woke up, but by then, Cowboy Bob’s tooth hurt like a motherfucker.

“My tooth hurts like a motherfucker,” said Cowboy Bob.

“You’d better go to the dentist,” said Gordon.

“The door is locked,” said Cowboy Bob.

“I got it,” Gordon said.  He lowered his head and rammed into the door at full speed.  The door busted to bits.

“You busted the door to bits,” said Cowboy Bob.

They stumbled outside into the lovely yellowish glow of a duststorm.  Cowboy Bob untethered his horse, Jackass, fucked it, and then commenced to ride off into the dust to the dentist’s office.  Gordon went back in the bar, drank a whole bottle of whiskey, and vomited.  Then he drank another bottle of whiskey and vomited again.  Then he took a nap.

The Town’s only dentist, Dentist Leary, lived in a little wooden cottage just outside The Town, right between Rabbi Ahmed Hong-Wa Magillcuddy’s Temple and another building that was either a church or a slaughterhouse.

Cowboy Bob stomped into Dentist Leary’s office.

“My tooth hurts, Dentist Leary,” said Cowboy Bob.

Dentist Leary had Rabbi Ahmed Hong-Wa Magillicuddy in his chair and was busy cleaning his teeth with some sort of scouring pad.

“You have to make an appointment, Cowboy Bob,” said Dentist Leary.

“No I don’t, you tub of lard,” said Cowboy Bob.

Dentist Leary threw the scouring pad on the floor and stomped over to Cowboy Bob.

“All right, your tooth, hurts?  Well, I’ll pull it out for ya!”  Dentist Leary punched Cowboy Bob in the mouth.

“Ayakk!” said Cowboy Bob.  It hurt like a motherfucker, but goddamn if the sore tooth didn’t fall right out.

“Now get the hell out of here, you buttlicker!” Dentist Leary said.  Then he picked up the scouring pad and commenced to clean Rabbi Ahmed Hong-Wa Magillicuddy’s teeth with it again.

Cowboy Bob got on his horse, Jackass, and rode back to The Ranch.  Jimby and Jumby were busy massaging Enrico the Heifer when he got there.  Pap Jackass and Grandpa Wannabe were up in their barn loft, knitting and masturbating.

“Dentist Leary punched me in the mouth,” said Cowboy Bob.

Jimby and Jumby immediately stopped massaging Enrico the Heifer and went to grab their guns.

“Lets shoot Dentist Leary until he looks like one big bloody piece of Swiss cheese,” said Jimby.

“Yeah,” said Jumby.

The all rode back to Dentist Leary’s office, except for Old Man Young, who had to take a dump.

“Come on out, Dentist Leary,” Cowboy Bob called lethargically.  “We must duel.”

Dentist Leary came out and shot the gun out of Cowboy Bob’s hand.  Then he shot the hat off Cowboy Bob’s head.  Cowboy Bob bent over to pick up his hat, and Dentist Leary shot him in the ass.  Cowboy Bob fell in the mud.  The whole thing was just embarrassing.  Jimby shot Dentist Leary in the eyeball.  Dentist Leary kicked the bucket.

Sherriff Popooly came and put Jimby, Jumby and Cowboy Bob in the drunk tank for shooting Dentist Leary.

“You’ll stay in there until you find us a new dentist,” said Sherriff Popooly.

“They can’t find a new dentist in the drunk tank, buttchunk,” said Mayor McCheese.  Mayor McCheese kicked Sherriff Popooly in the face.  Then he let Cowboy Bob, Jimby and Jumby out of the drunk tank.

They went back to The Bar, where Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy fixing a new door.  A dude sitting at the bar just happened to be a dentist, Dentist DeMenace, and they beat him up so bad he agreed to go live in Dentist Leary’s old house.  Gordon vomited all over the new door and Arnold Schwarzenegger kicked him out.  Gordon cried.



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