Once upon a time there was this heinous miserable bitch. She was actually kind of smart in that she could read and do simple math and pay her bills on time and all that shit, but she didn’t know anything except shit other people told her and had no original ideas of her own. She worked in an office cubicle for some big generic company with a dumbass name the corporate assholes thought sounded cool–something like Prognex or Protogen or Villasoft or Mechatron or some dumb bullshit that didn’t mean a goddamn thing.
Anyway, the heinous miserable bitch always did everything she was told and followed rules and worked real hard at everything she did and obeyed whoever she worked for no matter how stupid they were or how meaningless her job really was. Every day, she showed up on time for work with her dumbass imitation leather briefcase and her hair pulled back so tight her eyes bulged out of her pale, sneering face. All day long she sat there in her desk, dilligently doing absolutely nothing, shuffling papers around and shit so the corporate assholes could make more money for themselves, and she was actually proud of herself, and only compared herself to people who had less impressive jobs and made less money so she could feel better about herself, although she really didn’t. Somewhere in her subconscious she knew she was just a moderately useful biological machine and held a meaningless midlevel position in a company that provided some obscure unnecessary service and exploited its workers, its customers, committed tax fraud and only served as a massive beurocratic stamping press so one or two corporate assholes at the top could make all kinds of money they were never even going to spend.
Whenever they held meetings at the massive meaningless corporation, the heinous miserable bitch sat and listened to every word and took notes and immediately absorbed whatever meaningless bullshit the guy in charge said. Usually it was some dumbass meaningless acronym some dumbass corporate schmuck made up and thought it sounded cool.
“From now on,” the corporate asshole in charge would say, “We’re going to use the FOCUS system at work.” And then he would explain how each letter stood for some dumbass meaningless thing they were supposed to incorporate into their behavior. The heinous miserable bitch always sat and wrote all this stupid shit down and memorized it and hung it up in her cubicle, even though it didn’t mean a goddamn thing.
Anyway, the dude who worked in the cubicle next to the heinous miserable bitch really drove her up the wall because he didn’t give a shit about anything and he didn’t really do anything at his job except sit there and fuck around and bullshit with other people and everyone liked him and nobody gave him any shit about it. But what pissed the heinous miserable bitch off the most was that the guy was always happy.
The heinous miserable bitch cared so much about all this trivial pointless shit that didn’t really have anything to do with her and was of no particular importance to anyone, and it was so important for her to follow all these meaningless traditional rules and work hard and save up money, not really because she wanted to, but because she thought she had to, so a guy who didn’t give a shit about anything and wasted all his money and fucked around all the time and was a thousand times happier than she would ever be really pissed her off, so she always bitched at the guy, even though she wasn’t even his boss. She wasn’t really anyone’s boss, although she thought she was and her boss kind of let her think that because she did half the shit he was supposed to do.
One day the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything was sitting in his cubicle with his feet up on his desk fucking around, reading a magazine or something, and the heinous miserable bitch was real pissed off because her boyfriend finally got sick of her miserable emasculating behavior and moved out of their apartment, plus she was on the rag. Anyway, the heinous miserable bitch stomped over to the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything and started bitching and screaming about how the guy didn’t do his job and how he was a loser and how he didn’t give a shit about anything, never realizing that the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything didn’t give a shit if he didn’t do his job and didn’t give a shit if he was a loser and didn’t give a shit that he didn’t give a shit about anything.
But he did give a shit about heinous miserable bitches screaming and bitching at him all the time.
So the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything said, “Don’t bitch at me, it’s not my fault you’re bleeding out of your crotch!” And the heinous miserable bitch went red in the face and started screaming so loud everybody in the office stopped what they were doing, and the heinous miserable bitch actually slapped the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything and the heinous miserable bitch got fired and she freaked out and went home and smashed a bunch of her stuff and screamed and cried and then she went out and got drunk and met some guy and took him home and fucked him and she got pregnant and had to go on welfare and now she’s a waitress at Denny’s and she’s still miserable and her kid’s a retard and she has a big fat ass and the guy who didn’t give a shit about anything met this really hot girl and quit his meaningless job and moved to San Diego. There is no god.
THE END
The Collected Works of Elwood Larf 